[Season 9 Episode 21]
Teleplay: Robert Carlock
Story: Scott Silveri
Directed by: Gary Halvorson
Transcribed by: Eleonora, Pheeboh, Sebastiano & Vanessa
Further revisions and extended DVD content added (in blue) by Darcy Partridge.
Monica: It's so weird. How did Joey end up kissing Charlie last night? I thought you'd end up kissing Charlie.
Ross: Hey, I thought I'd end up kissing Charlie, too, okay? But surprise!
Chandler: I missed most of the party. Charlie's a girl, right?
Ross: Yeah, she's this new professor in my department that I did not kiss.
Rachel: I don't know why Joey had to kiss her! I mean, of all the girls at the party, God!
Ross: Why do you care so much?
Monica: Yes, Rachel. Why do you care so much?
Rachel: (Trying to hide her feelings for Joey) Because Ross is the father of my child. You know, and I want him to hook up with lots of women! I just-- All I'm saying is I don't think that Joey and Charlie have anything in common.
Ross: I don't know. They seem to have a shared interest in each other's tonsils.
Phoebe: Wow, Joey and a professor. Can you imagine if they had kids? And if the kids got her intelligence and Joey's raw sexual magnetism? Those nerds will get laid!
Rachel: All right. So, Ross, you're okay with all this? I mean...
Ross: Yeah, it's no big deal. I mean, I just met her. I'm fine with it.
(Joey and Charlie enter. Ross looks at her)
Ross: Oh, God. I forgot how hot she was! I'm gonna get some more coffee.
All: Hey / Hi!
Charlie: (To Ross) Oh, you know, I'll come with you!
Ross: Okay. (they both go)
Chandler: (to Joey) So, a professor, huh?
Joey: Yeah! She is cool! And she's so smart. Her mind is totally acrimonious. I guess that's not how she used it.
Charlie: (talking to Ross) I feel like I owe you an explanation. I don't ordinarily go around kissing guys at parties. I'm, uh, well, I'm kind of embarrassed. I really hope you don't think less of me.
Ross: No, think less of you? No, I don't think less of you. I mean, you saw someone you liked and you kissed them. I mean, those people who like someone and don't kiss them, those-those people are stupid. I hate those people.
Charlie: You know, actually I'm a little surprised to myself. I mean, Joey is so different from the guys I usually date. I mean, they're all professors, intellectuals. Paleontologists mostly. You know, very cerebral and...
Ross: Yeah, I know the type.
Joey: Hey, if we want to, uh, grab a bite before work, we'd better get acrimonious. No? Am I getting close?
Opening credits
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Monica: Hi!
Phoebe: Hey, you guys! Look what I just got. (she shows them a pair of slippers)
Rachel: (Gasps) Oh, wow, I love those! Where did you get them?
Phoebe: I bought them off eBay! They used to belong to the late Shania Twain.
Rachel: Phoebe, Shania Twain is still alive.
Phoebe: Oh, then I overpaid. (she goes to the bathroom)
Monica: Hey, what's this?
Rachel: Oh, it's a gift certificate to this new spa in SoHo.
Monica: Oh, well, you can't show Phoebe this! She hates those corporate massage chains.
Rachel: Aw, what, now I can't get a massage? There are so many things that she disapproves of! I can't eat veal. I can't wear fur. I can't go hunting.
Monica: Do you want to go hunting?
Rachel: Well, I would like to have the option!
Phoebe: (coming back from the bathroom) What's up? (she sees the gift certificate in Rachel's hands) Hey, Rachel!
Rachel: Ugh!
Phoebe: No, you can't go there! You know how I feel about these big massage places! They're putting people like me out of business!
Monica: And she wants to go hunting, too!
Rachel: Phoebe, come on, I don't wanna waste it! It would be like throwing away a hundred bucks!
Phoebe: Okay, this is not about the money, okay? It's about-- it's about corporate greed destroying our hearts and leaving us hollow shells!
Rachel: I don't care about any of that!
Phoebe: Well, do you care about friendship?
Rachel: Oh!
Phoebe: I feel really strongly about this, Rachel. Please don't use this gift certificate. I'm asking you as a friend.
Rachel: Oh, not as a friend, Phoebe! Fine, I won't use it!
Phoebe: Promise?
Rachel: I promise.
Phoebe: Thank you. (she tears up the gift certificate)
Rachel: But I am going hunting!
Monica: (entering) Hey, honey! I missed you today.
Chandler: Oh, yeah?
Monica: Yeah. Hey... (they kiss) What do you want to do tonight?
Chandler: Oh, well, uh, maybe we could, uh... (he sweeps the stuff off the table and taps on the surface invitingly)
Monica: Okay, trying to turn me on by making a mess? Know your audience! Besides, tomorrow we're doing those fertility tests and until then you need to keep your tadpoles in the tank.
Chandler: Do we really need to take those tests? You know, I don't like the words they use in those places. You know, they're so clinical. This is a pee-pee, that's a hoo-hoo.
Monica: Honey, we've been trying to have a baby for over a year. I just think it's a good idea to find out if everything's okay. Just a few routine tests.
Chandler: But I don't wanna do it in a cup!
Monica: What is the big deal?
Chandler: It's weird! You're in a doctor's office?
Monica: It's not okay to do it in a doctor's office, but it is okay to do it in a parked car behind a Taco Bell?
Chandler: I cannot believe Ross told you that! And in my defense, it was a Wendy's!
Monica: Look, I don't wanna do these tests, either. But I really do think it's a good idea.
Chandler: Yeah, okay. I'm sure a doctor's office can't be worse than on a class trip to the Hershey factory!
Monica: (Gasps)
Chandler: Oh, yeah! Rachel talks, too!
Joey: (sipping red wine from a glass) Who says wine has to cost more than milk!
(A knock at the door, Joey opens it. It's Charlie.)
Joey: Hey!
Charlie: Hi!
Joey: Come on in. How are you?
Charlie: I'm good!
Joey: Can I offer you a drink?
Charlie: Please. I have been crazed all day! I had a meeting with the dean, and my syllabus for summer school is due, and I'm writing the foreword for a friend's book.
Joey: Mmhmm. Yeah, I had a pretty hectic day at work, too. Today I had to open a door and go (he gasps).
Charlie: So I am just so excited to be here. I mean, I cannot wait to start exploring the city!
Joey: Hey, if you need a tour guide... (point to himself)
Charlie: Oh, you mean it? That would be so fun!
Joey: Oh, yeah, definitely. Definitely. Okay, what do you wanna see first?
Charlie: Uh, well, we could go see the Kronos Quartet at the Avery Fisher Hall.
Joey: (looking puzzled and nodding) Okay!
Charlie: And, uh, oh, there's a collection of Walt Whitman letters on display at the public library.
Joey: I know. Yeah.
Charlie: Um, but first, I have to see the Met.
Joey: Okay, let me stop you right there. The Mets suck, okay? You wanna see the Yankees.
Charlie: No, no, no, not the Mets, the Met. Singular!
Joey: Which one, they all suck!
Charlie: The museum!
Joey: (looking puzzled) I don't think so.
Rachel: Hi there!
Receptionist: (in an affected tone) Hello. Welcome to Lavender Day Spa. How may I help you?
Rachel: Oh. Um, hi. I, uh, I have a massage appointment under Rachel Green. And here is my gift certificate.
Receptionist: This has been torn up.
Rachel: And taped back together.
Receptionist: Okay, well, I'll call you as soon as your massage therapist is ready.
Rachel: Okay.
Receptionist: Have a seat through the glass doors.
Rachel: (imitating the receptionist's tone) Through the glass doors?
Receptionist: Through the glass doors.
Rachel: Alrighty then.
(Phoebe enters the hall)
Receptionist: Phoebe, your next client's in the waiting room.
Phoebe: Okay. Do we have to talk like that when they're not around? (She sees Rachel) Oh! Oh, no, no, no! Listen, is there someone who can fill in for me?
Receptionist: Sorry. Everyone is booked!
Phoebe: But that woman can't know that I work here. She's a friend of mine and I made this big stink about how awful these massage chains are.
Receptionist: Then why do you work here?
Phoebe: Because it's good money! But that doesn't change the fact that this is an evil, bloodsucking corporate machine!
Receptionist: Well, I think this is a great place to work!
Phoebe: (Looking around and whispering) Okay, are they listening?
(Joey walks in and moves towards Ross, who's sitting of the sofa)
Joey: Ross!
Ross: Hi!
Joey: I, uh, I need to talk to you about Charlie.
Ross: (Annoyed and pleading) Oh, do you? Do you really?
Joey: Yeah, I'm, uh, I'm kind of having a little problem.
Ross: Look, if you don't know what the word "acrimonious" means, just don't use it!
Joey: No, look. You know Charlie, right? She's cool, she's funny, her body is so...
Ross: Get to the problem!
Joey: Right. She's just so much smarter than all the girls I've ever dated! Combined! You know, and I just-- I don't want her to think I'm stupid!
Ross: (looking down) Are you wearing two belts?
Joey: (checking) Hey, what do you know!
Ross: You were saying you didn't want to seem stupid.
Joey: Right, right, right. Well, she-she wants to go to all these cultural places, and I don't know how to talk about that stuff. You gotta help me out.
Ross: You know, I really don't want to get involved in your guys' relationship.
Joey: Aw, dude, please. Come on, you're the smartest person I know. And I really like this girl, okay? I don't want to lose her.
Ross: (after a short hesitation) Fine.
Joey: Thanks.
Ross: Okay. Let's see. Oh, you should take her to the Met!
Joey: The Mets.
Ross: No, no. The Met. The Metropolitan Museum of Art.
Joey: Oh, that's what she meant! You know, if they're gonna shorten it, they should call it the "Muse," you know? Short for museum and avoid all the confusion!
Ross: Yeah. Yeah, most days the place is packed with confused, angry baseball fans!
Joey: Yeah, okay. All right, so I'll take her to the Met.
Ross: Yeah, uh, ooh-ooh! Okay, there's this great rare bookstore on Madison Avenue. You shou-- You know what? She loves architecture. You know what you should do? You should take a walk down Fifth to the Saint Patrick's Cathedral. And there, there's this great little pastry shop that she'd love.
Joey: Jeez, Ross, it sounds like you should be going on this date.
Ross: But I'm not. You know what, if you're in the mood for Thai food...
Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down, you're going way too fast, okay? Just go back to the Met.
Ross: Okay.
Joey: So you gotta tell me exactly what to do there.
Ross: Okay. When you walk in the museum, take a right, okay? That's the antiquities wing. Uh, Ancient Egypt, uh, Mesopotamia, up to the Byzantine Empire.
Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa! Okay. So I walk in the door and make the right (and he bends his arm to the left. Ross then bends Joey's arm to the right and Joey nods.)
Chandler: I have a weird feeling about this place. I mean, how do I know that they are not gonna secretly videotape me and put it all over the internet.
Monica: Because, honey, and I mean this in the sweetest way possible, nobody's gonna wanna watch that.
(a nurse walks in)
Nurse: Mr. Bing? Here you are. You'll go into that room and deposit your specimen into the container.
Chandler: Deposit my specimen? You know, I usually I have to call a 900 number for that kind of talk. Thanks, got it.
Monica: All right, honey, my tests are down the hall. Are you sure you're going to be okay?
Chandler: Yeah, I guess.
Monica: Look, I know this is embarrassing, but nobody cares! No one here even knows you!
Janice: Oh, my God!
Chandler: Oh, come on!
[In the original NBC broadcast, there's a commercial break here. In the extended DVD version, it simply continues.]
Janice: (Machine gun laugh.) How great is this?
Monica: Yeah, we're probably fertile. Let's go home.
Chandler: Why are you here?
Janice: Well, Sid and I are trying again and we had trouble last time, because apparently...
Chandler: No, no, no. I mean, (looking up to heaven) Why? Why is she here?
Janice: Oh, someone's a little cranky today because they have to do it in a cup. (Machine gun laugh.) Oh! They gave you the kiddie size!
Chandler: What?
Janice: (Machine gun laugh.)
Monica: This was fun. But I've got an invasive vaginal exam to get to. (Leaves)
Chandler: I've love to stay, but I've, uh, got a hot date.
Janice: Please, go. Just let me know if you need a hand. (Laughs.)
Chandler: I think it just fell off.
Phoebe: (In a foreign accent) Hello, ja. It's time for your massage, ja! Put-put your face in the hole.
Rachel: Wow. A Swedish massage from a real Swedish person. Ha!(Puts her head in the hole and Phoebe enters)
Phoebe: Okay, then I'm Swedish.
Rachel: So, what's your name?
Phoebe: It's a normal Swedish name. Ikea.
Rachel: Wow. What an interesting name.
Phoebe: Ja.
Rachel: You know I-- (lifts her head and tries to look in Phoebe's direction)
Phoebe: (pushes her head back down) Time for your scalp massage.
Rachel: (Sees Phoebe's slippers through the hole) Wow! I really love your-- (gasps as she recognized Phoebe's slippers)
Phoebe: Is something wrong?
Rachel: No. It's just, um, it just feels so good, Ikea. Yeah. Hey, say, you'll know this. What's the capital of Sweden?
Phoebe: Um, Stockholm.
Rachel: (To herself) Damn! I wish I knew if that was right.
Joey: Note the painterly lines and subtle impasto on this canvas. Monet painted quickly, and usually outdoors as his elusive subject was light itself.
Ross: Now, do you have any idea what you just said?
Joey: No, no. My mouth says the words. My brain is thinking "monster trucks."
Ross: Wow. Okay, now, remember, when you get to the museum, Monet is not spelled M-O-N-A-Y. I just-- I wrote that out phonetically for you.
Joey: Phonetically? (Looks confused)
Ross: Yeah. Yeah, that means-- You know, we just-- we don't have time for this.
Joey: Okay.
Ross: Okay. But you know what? I gotta say, I'm really impressed that you were able to memorize all this so quickly!
Joey: (Scoffs) I'm an actor! I can memorize anything. Last week on Days I had to say "Frontal temporal zygomatic craniotomy".
Ross: Wow. What does that mean?
Joey: No idea! But, uh, the guy I said it to dies in the next scene. So I guess it means, "You're gonna get eaten by a bear".
Ross: Okay. So let's move on to, uh, to the Renaissance.
Joey: Okay. Caravaggio uses chiaroscuro here to highlight the anguish of the central figure. Touch it, it's really bumpy! (Reaches out to touch the imaginary painting).
Ross: Nuh-uh! Nuh-uh! (stops him form doing so) No, no, no! No ad-libbing. And, dude, you-you can't touch the paintings.
Joey: Come on! (reaches out to touch the imaginary painting again)
Ross: No! (Slaps his hand)
Chandler: (To the nurse at the desk) My specimen's in the room. And I just want to thank whoever knocked on the door while I was in there. Really helped speed the process along! (walks towards the common area and sees Janice is still there) Janice! You're not gone.
Janice: Oh! Sid is still in his room. I don't allow porn at home, so this is like a vacation for him. (Laughs) So did you do it? Did you make your deposit?
Chandler: Yeah! Yeah, hard part's over.
Janice: That's not the hard part, honey! (Laughs).
Chandler: Well, no, there's talking to you. But Monica's gonna come out and we're going to go, soon!
Janice: (Laughs). Chander! The hard part's what comes next. Aren't you a little worried about the results? I mean, oh, when Sid and I did this last time, my God, I was a mess.
Chandler: Wow, I haven't even thought about the results. I just assumed that everything was gonna be okay.
Janice: Oh, well, you know what? It probably is.
Chandler: (Slightly panicky) Yeah, but what if it's not? I mean, what if-- what if there's a reason we can't have a baby?
Janice: Oh, Chandler, look. You and Monica are meant to have children. I am sure it's gonna be just fine.
Chandler: (smiling again) Yeah. Yeah. Okay, thanks. I can't believe I didn't even think of that. I guess I was just so worried about having to come here and do that.
Janice: Oh. You can do it in the parking lot of a Taco Bell, but you can't do it at a doctor's office?
Chandler: It was a "Wendy's!"
Phoebe: (Singing) "Ipan stripan, gloopi glappi!" And that's the Swedish National Anthem! Thank you for asking! (looks annoyed)
Rachel: Wow, Ikea. What a rich culture. Um, you know what? I have a friend who is a masseuse.
Phoebe: Oh, Ja, Ja?
Rachel: Ja. She's, uh, not very good though. (Phoebe looks deflated.)
Phoebe: Uh-huh, uh-huh. And why do you think that is?
Rachel: I don't know. Maybe it's because she's got such callousy fingers from playing crummy guitar.
Phoebe: (Laughs unconvincingly.) Or maybe she has trouble loosening your knots because you're such a high maintenance tight ass!
Rachel: (now lifts her head) Phoebe!
Phoebe: You know it's me?
Rachel: Well, for like a half an hour! Man, you can lie about Sweden!
Phoebe: How can you come here?
Rachel: How could you not tell me you worked here?
Phoebe: I don't have to tell you everything!
Rachel: Yes, you do, if you're going to make me feel guilty for getting a free massage!
Phoebe: Tips not included.
Rachel: Oh! Phoebe, why did you lie to me about working here?
Phoebe: Because I was ashamed, okay? I sold out for the cash! And then they give me benefits, like medical and dental and a four-oh-wunk. But, you know, you pay a price. Now I'm this corporate stooge and-and punching a clock and, uch, paying taxes!?
Rachel: Phoebe, honey, if you hate it so much, you should walk out there right now and quit! Be true to what you believe in! Honey, you have principles and I so admire that! I don't have any!
Phoebe: You know what? You're right. I am gonna quit. It's time I took my life back!
Rachel: Good for you, Pheebs!
Phoebe: Okay. (walks out and closes the door behind her, looks up and whispers) If you guys have microphones in there too, I didn't mean any of that. I love you!
Ross: Aha! Gotcha! Die! Die! Die!
(Charlie walks in.)
Ross: (recovers his composure and starts typing) Respectfully, Professor R. Geller. (hits [return], closes the laptop and joins Charlie on the sofa) Hey!
Charlie: Hi!
Ross: Hey, how was-- how was the Met?
Charlie: Ah, the museum was amazing!
Ross: Yeah? Joey really knows his art, huh?
Charlie: Not so much, no. He had clearly memorized all the stuff to say, and some of it didn't even make any sense.
Ross: What do you mean?
Charlie: Well, for one, he was talking about paintings that were nowhere around.
Ross: Wait a minute. When you guys walked into the Met, did-did you go to the right?
Charlie: No, we went to the left.
Ross: (shaking head) Oh Joey, Joey, Joey! Well, still, I mean, it seems like you guys are having a great time together.
Charlie: Yeah! Yeah, it's-it's fun (hesitantly).
Ross: What?
Charlie: Actually, you know, Joey is your friend, and-and you don't really know me that well. It would be weird.
Ross: Well, I mean, a little, but no, what? Go on.
Charlie: Well, um, I'm just thinking that maybe he's not the right guy to be with, right now. Maybe I should be with someone I have more in common with. You know what I mean?
Ross: Yeah. But you know what? Um, I don't know, I think you should give Joey a chance. I mean, he's a great guy. And, sure, he doesn't know that much about art. But you know, you can always talk about that with someone else.
Charlie: Yeah, I guess that's true.
Ross: And if you think about it, I mean, the reason he memorized all that stuff is because he thought it was important to you. You know, that's the kind of guy Joey is.
Charlie: He is very sweet. Plus he is hot!
Ross: That-that was going to be my next argument.
(Joey walks in)
Joey: Hey.
Ross: Hey.
Charlie: Hey!
Joey: (to Charlie) You ready?
Charlie: Yeah, let's go. (stands up and kisses Joey) (to Ross) Thanks, Ross.
Joey: (aside, to Ross) Hey, Ross! That art stuff worked. You hooked me up.
Ross: Glad I could help, man.
Joey: Although, some of the stuff wasn't where you said it was gonna be. But I made it work.
Chandler: (picking up a plastic cup) It is not okay that I'm aroused by this now.
(phone rings)
Chandler: Hello? Oh, hi, Doctor Connelly. (pause) Uh, no, well, she's not here. But, you know, I can tell her. Should I be sitting down for this? (his smile fades as he hears the answer) Oh. (pause) Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Well, so, what does that mean? (pause) Okay. Uh, Okay, thank you. Thanks. (hangs up)
(Monica walks in)
Monica: Hey, sweetie.
Chandler: Doctor Connelly just called.
Monica: Oh. With good news? (very quickly and wringing hands) Of course it is not good news. You just said (deadpan) "Doctor Connelly just called". If it was good news you would have said (excitedly) "Doctor Connelly just called!" But, um, so what-what is it? Is it, um, is there a problem? Is there a problem with me or with you?
Chandler: Actually, it's both of us.
Monica: What?
Chandler: Apparently, my sperm have low motility and you have an inhospitable environment.
Monica: Oh. Well, what does that mean?
Chandler: It means that my guys won't get off their Barcaloungers and you have a uterus that is prepared to kill the ones that do. It means...
Monica: Wait, Chandler.
Chandler: (tenderly) It means that we can keep trying, but there's a good chance this may never happen for us.
Monica: (weeping) Oh, my God.
Chandler: I'm sorry.
Monica: I'm sorry, too.
(they hug)
Chandler: Well, we're gonna... we're gonna figure this out.
Monica: I know.
Closing credits
Receptionist: Good morning, Phoebe.
Phoebe: (imitating the receptionist's tone) Good morning, receptionist.
Receptionist: Here's your schedule for the day. Your first client is in room number one.
Phoebe: Rachel Green? (angrily) Son of a bitch! She came back?
(Phoebe walks to the door and half-opens it)
Phoebe: (through the door, with a Scottish accent) Are you ready for your Scottish massage? Put your face in the hole, lassie.